Recommendations to learn to communicate effectively with our children 2026

"I'm tired of telling you the same things over and over again, but I get nothing... Are you listening to me? It's like it goes in one ear and out the other; But, how many times do I have to tell you? When I was little, my parents..."

“Oh, what a woman's nightmare…”

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Do you recognize yourself in these expressions? Why do we find it so difficult to communicate with our children? And why do we sometimes have that feeling that it seems that nothing we say "gets through" to them? More than one of you will have quietly thought… “It seems like he does it on purpose.” The truth is that many family conflicts have their origin in an ineffective way of communicating.

Many times, our children do not listen to us because of the way we say things, the tone we use, the moment and words we choose to “lecture” them, and the emotion from which we speak.

Our children are not like a recorder that stores information. They are recipients of a message whose listening will always be affected by emotions and the way it is transmitted. Communication is learned, it is dynamic and both the sender and the receiver influence each other.

That is why we must be aware of how our thoughts and feelings affect our children. Being honest with ourselves and taking charge of our emotions is one of the necessary steps to avoid falling into the most common mistakes that make our communication ineffective and we do not achieve our goal: to be heard.

Furthermore, we usually think that, to communicate well, the most important thing is to know how to convey with good words what we want our receiver to hear. However, according to experts, the most important quality of effective communication is knowing how to listen actively and attentively.

Let's remember, little ones learn by imitation rather than by lessons. Do we expect them to listen to us? How could we achieve this if we never listen to them? Knowing how to listen requires turning off the internal radio that is continuously transmitting what you are going to answer next, knowing how to focus on what they are telling you and not on what you are going to say. Where will they get the model of listening from if we ignore them when they speak?

Saint-Exupéry in his book "The Little Prince" reminds us: "Men no longer have time to know anything. They buy ready-made things from merchants. But since there are no merchants of friends, men no longer have friends. If you want a friend, tame me!" ...What does domesticate mean? -It's too forgotten a thing, it means creating bonds... But, if you domesticate me, we will need each other. You will be the only one in the world for me. I will be the only one in the world for you…”

Listening is much more than hearing

If we don't listen, how are we going to connect with the other person? So there are no shortcuts. Active listening is much more than hearing what is told to us. If we want them to trust us with their things, our children need to feel that we are listening to them to continue trusting. And our children feel heard and understood when:

-We are present and attentive, both to the content of what he tells us (verbal message) and to the tone, his expression, his gestures... (non-verbal). This attention is reinforced when we make sure that we are understanding correctly, paraphrasing or repeating what we are understanding.

-Empathically reflecting what has been transmitted to us, without judging or interpreting. Confirm that you have understood what he has told you and how he feels, so that he feels that you are in tune with his emotion. “I understand that staying on the bench is not what you most want, and that you have been very angry with your coach's decision.”

-Show genuine interest in what they tell us, in their concerns and afflictions, even if they do not coincide with your expectations... But they are there and they are what they are. By accepting and adjusting to them, you are showing them that they can continue to count on you. “I see that it is something that has you excited. Tell me in more detail.”

-And, finally, find time to share with them. Choosing for this the moment when they are most available for it and allowing them to choose what they want to talk to us about.

In my early days professionally, I found this poem by O’Donnell, R about listening that really resonated with me, and lit a little light in me. I invite you to enjoy it…

«When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I have asked of you. When I ask you to listen to me, and you start telling me why I shouldn't feel this way, you don't respect my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel a duty to do something to solve my problem, you do not respond to my needs. Listen to me! All I ask of you is that you listen to me, not that you speak or do. Just listen to me. Advising is easy. But I'm not incapable. I may be discouraged or in difficulty, but I am not useless.

When you do for me what I could do myself and don't need, you only contribute to my insecurity. But when you simply accept that what I feel belongs to me, even if it is irrational, then I don't have to try to make you understand it, but rather start discovering what is inside me.

Article prepared by Marta Navarro, educational coach and director of the Las Rozas Akademia