Learning how to compliment children without judging, evaluating, comparing or ranking them is one of the quiet skills of parenting. Praise that focuses on effort and creativity, and that notices the difficulties a child has overcome, encourages persistence far more than a quick "well done".
The nine approaches below all share the same spirit: they value the process of creating or learning rather than the final result. They are simple to use, they cost nothing, and they work just as well with a toddler stacking bricks as with a teenager struggling over homework.
Quick takeaways
- A short "I see it" often beats a long speech
- Praise the effort and the process, not the result
- Be specific about the action you noticed
- Point out good timing to build family bonds
- Describe what you see and let the child conclude
- Ask questions, then stay quiet and present
Start with a quiet mark of attention
Sometimes a simple, word-light sign of attention is enough to tell a child that we are interested in them and in what they are doing. We adults tend to talk too much, yet simply looking at a painting or a brick tower and saying "Ah yes, I see it!" is received as genuine encouragement.
The child is not interrupted by a long speech, and is not led to confuse existing with performing. This is the gentlest entry point into encouraging words, and a useful habit to build before trying anything more elaborate.
Praise the process, not the result
When encouragement is aimed at the process, the child is invited to carry on with their project. The act of creation is valued rather than the outcome, and short phrases do the job: "that's coming along" or "this is hard and you're sticking with it".
This kind of wording keeps attention on effort, which is something a child controls, instead of on a result that may depend on luck or on adult approval. It pairs naturally with the spirit behind our LEGO popularity pieces, where building matters more than the finished model.
Be precise and notice the timing
Young children learn mainly through action. When adults phrase a compliment around one specific action, they help children orient themselves. For example: "Thank you for putting the day's notebooks in your cubbies without me asking."
Complimenting children when they have chosen the right moment to do something also strengthens the bonds between family members. It might sound like: "That was really the right moment to help your classmate. That poster was far too high for him, he couldn't have reached it."
The opposite case is just as useful: "It was really the right moment yesterday to help A. finish his maths problem. But today he told you he didn't want your help and wanted to try alone. That's why he pushed you away." Naming timing this way teaches social reading, much like the small everyday lessons in children catch us moments.
| Situation | Judging or evaluating | Encouraging alternative |
|---|---|---|
| Child shows a drawing | "It's beautiful!" | "I see yellow bubbles and red lines" |
| Child tidies up | "Finally, good job" | "Thank you for putting the notebooks away without being asked" |
| Child struggles with homework | "You'll get there, don't worry" | "This is hard and you're sticking with it" |
| Child gets a poor mark | Advice and solutions | "You're disappointed; I've seen you find ways out before" |
| Child is painting quietly | Interrupting with questions | Sitting nearby, smiling, saying nothing |
Name the difficulty or the mistake
Simply noticing that a child has worked hard on something difficult is one of the best ways to value their efforts. It encourages perseverance and shows that difficulty and mistakes are an integral part of learning.
"That French lesson gave you a lot of trouble: I saw that you asked for help and that you really tried to do your best." Remarks like this build the same resilience we look at in stories such as bricks helped child, where persistence matters more than an easy win.
Describe what you see instead of praising
Describing what you see, like a camera recording the scene, avoids judgement, good or bad. It gives the child the chance to describe with pride how they got there and to reach their own conclusion: "I'm good at this", "I did well".
An observation such as "you put your shoes on by yourself" or "I see yellow bubbles and red lines on your sheet" opens the door to a fruitful exchange. For children who need adapted play, the same principle applies to the activities in our games inside hospital collection.
Ask a question about what the child made
Questions such as "what was the hardest part to draw?" or "how did you manage to imagine feet like those?" open a window onto the child's world. We become witnesses to their creativity and their trial and error.
The relationship then truly happens in a dialogue, not a monologue. This is also a good habit to carry into shared projects, whether you are making homemade Christmas sweets together or choosing something from our outdoor toys five selection for the garden.
Acknowledge frustration and recall past successes
Reminding a child of past successes signals that we understand their frustration when things go wrong, and that we trust their intelligence and their abilities. It is better to say "it's true, you're disappointed and sad; it's hard and discouraging to get a mark that doesn't match the work you put in" than to hand out advice.
Our suggestions risk being rejected, and they also give the child the impression of not being up to it, of not being believed capable of managing alone, of being truly useless. That adds to their feeling of loneliness, because nobody seems to understand what they feel.
Slow down and simply be physically present
A calm, silent presence can be enough to encourage children, assuring them that we care enough to give them time and attention. It is possible, for instance, to slow down and pause when we walk past a child who is painting.
A simple smile or a few minutes spent watching can be as powerful as words, sometimes more. You can also sit beside a child absorbed in an activity, take up your own work, sewing or reading, and simply be with them.
This quiet companionship is the same patience that carries families through harder days, from the worries in our vomiting in children guide to the questions raised by childhood flu complications. It also echoes the calm attention described in child colour blindness checks, where watching closely tells you more than asking.
My hands-on take
I started with the smallest change: saying less. When my daughter brought me a tower of bricks, I used to launch into "wow, that's amazing, you're so clever", and she would lose interest within seconds. Now I mostly say "I see it" and wait. More often than not, she starts explaining which part was tricky and what she wants to add next.
The other habit I keep is describing rather than judging. "You put your shoes on by yourself" gets a far better reaction than a general compliment, and it saves me from the trap of ranking her against her brother. I still slip up, especially when I am tired, but these small phrases have become the default rather than the exception.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to tell a child "well done"?
Not wrong, but vague. A precise remark about what the child actually did gives them more information and keeps attention on effort rather than on adult approval.
What if my child asks directly whether their drawing is good?
You can honestly describe what you notice and ask what they like about it. This avoids a verdict while still showing real interest in their work.
Does this approach work with teenagers?
Yes. The wording changes, but naming effort, timing and difficulty, and recalling past successes, remains useful at any age.
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