Decalogue of the good father 2026

#to be a goodfather it is necessary that you transmit joy to your child in daily coexistence. Offer the message that you love him and enjoy when you are with him.

Meal times, when they prepare their backpack for school, while they play, when we listen to music... We simply have to find time to be with them. Although we have many obligations and they are very absorbing and overwhelming, being present in the children's lives is a priority.

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Let's not fool ourselves that the quantity of time does not matter but the quality; No matter how good we are, fifteen minutes can't do much. In terms of quality, the personality of children develops from the relationship with their parents, from what they receive from them and from what they learn at their side. That is why when we are with the children, we must be dedicated body and soul, with enthusiasm, not reading the newspaper, talking on the phone or thinking about our things.

If the father does not have a loving relationship with the mother of his children, let him at least have a friendly relationship. Good treatment between parents is essential because it shows the feelings that exist between them. Even if things are not going well with the couple or ex-partner, respect must reign in the relationship between parents. We must speak about and with the other with appreciation, even in discussions, and take care of all facets of the relationship: friendship, commitment, communication, conflict resolution, co-responsibility or negotiation. If this is not achieved, it is best to seek help. The relationship between parents creates an atmosphere in which the child grows and forms his or her identity. Trust and harmony between parents is not the same as dad and mom contradicting and disqualifying each other.

Children look to their father. How many times have we said or heard from someone: "In this he came from the father", "that was taken from the father" or "like wood, like wood". Juan Manuel Serrat says in the song Those Crazy Bajitos: "Those who move with our gestures" and who "carry with our gods and our language, with our grudges and our future." Parents are their models, children copy from them ways of being, of facing and resolving, of relating to things, with others and with themselves. Thus, many times they show us our own defects. If when we see them, instead of getting angry, we try to correct ourselves and educate by example, we will teach them to correct themselves and we will improve too. Knowing a model and trying to live up to the level that our children set us at is very educational for everyone.

Children need their dad at all times and for many things. They need it to tuck them in, help them climb higher, put down diapers, or do their homework.

A father helps you grow. That is why it is necessary for dad to say both "yes" and "no", he has to know how to combine pampering and limits. Sometimes, parents, aware that they spend little time with their children, prioritize one facet and become parents who only play or pamper and ignore conflicts or, on the contrary, ogre parents who only know how to reprimand as if they were angry. Or they are only interested in some of the child's activities and neglect the others: they do not miss a single soccer game but do not find out how the child is doing at school or with friends. A father has to be able to be a friend, companion, protector, wise... and be everywhere!

A happy childhood is almost a guarantee of a happy life, at least it helps the child have emotional integrity and good mental health in the future. Coming home with candy, planning a family outing, making jokes to laugh with them, playing hide-and-seek, telling them stories... children receive these types of joys as more than just a gesture, for them they represent "the good things in life." And these good things are what strengthen them, make them braver and give them weapons to face the difficulties inherent to growth or adverse circumstances. Having a bicycle or a scooter is great, but laughing with dad is necessary. Giving them joy does not consist of buying them toys, but of transmitting, through coexistence, the message that dad loves them and enjoys being with them.

When the child is relegated in the interests of the father, he takes refuge in the mother and becomes too dependent on her. The main function of the father is to help the child feel safe in the world beyond the mother's arms, and for that the child must feel that he is important to dad. The bond with the children is not genetic, it is ethical. It is the result of a loving decision that must be sustained day by day. Plus, giving them first place in our lives makes us as happy as them.

Being attentive to what they say and don't say and encouraging them to express what they think and feel is the way to get to know them. Children have beliefs and fantasies that surprise adults. For example, it is common for them to represent the Earth as a giant house with humans inside or to believe in monsters or, for younger children, to think that the stuffed animal is part of their body. To find out what is going on in their heads we have to listen to them carefully. Listening is an act of love, when we pay attention to them they feel important to us. In addition, we give them the opportunity to listen to themselves, be able to speak to defend themselves, give an opinion, raise what they do not understand, resolve conflicts, tell feelings or emotions and invent stories. And if they share their tribulations or fears with us, they are relieved.

Disciplining them is one way to love them. If we set limits for them, if we deny them something they ask for but it is not convenient for them or we oppose their wishes because they are not reasonable, it will always be for their own good, to help them. We do not educate them "so that they do not bother the elders", but so that they are happy and well-rounded.

When we teach them to use a spoon, to be responsible with their schoolwork or not to shout at home, we do not do it so that they do not get dirty or bother us, but to help them develop as independent beings. Proper discipline unites love, reason and respect for the child. If we have these three things, we will be able to get angry without fear: we will know how to correct them without attacking them and do it only when they need it.

Telling stories to children is the same as giving them a "children's university master's degree." They need stories to learn to weave situations together, to understand that first one thing happens and then another, and to understand time (what is "yesterday", "tomorrow" or "after"). There is nothing as interesting and entertaining as listening to the things that happen to others and seeing how they solve their problems from the safest place in the world: next to dad. Together with him they can identify with the protagonist, go through hardships and triumph without suffering a scratch. But the stories do not only have an intellectual value: dad's voice surrounds them and comforts them now just as lullabies lulled them when they were babies and gives them courage to face the monsters of the night. That's why they like the bedtime story so much.

“Boy issues” are important, especially when it comes to children. Whether serious or banal, as they are important for the child, they must also be important for dad. Without overwhelming or harassing them, you have to be close to them to guide their behavior, attend school meetings, accompany them to the doctor, be aware of their grades, what they do in their free time or how they are doing with their friends. Although there are no recipes, there is a basic formula that consists of getting them used to telling us their things from a young age, without pressure and with respect. If we are at the same height and can look them in the eyes, the better.

Advisors: Pedro Molino, tutor at the online Parent University. Iluminada Sánchez, teacher at the School of Psychoanalytic Clinic with Children and Adolescents Association of Madrid.