These 36 questions to share are built on a set of prompts developed by Arthur and Elaine Aron, psychology teachers and researchers. The two psychologists designed them to show how an intimate bond can grow between two people, and to gauge how close that connection has become.
The cards invite people who ask each other these questions to reveal themselves in an authentic, vulnerable and intimate way, creating a powerful bond built on trust. Answering them requires real confidence in the other person, because they open the door to fears, flaws, childhood wounds and personal values, as well as successes and joys.
Quick takeaways
- The 36 questions come from psychology research on how intimacy develops between two people.
- Answering honestly requires trust, because the prompts touch on fears, wounds and values.
- In a couple, the cards help build a detailed "love map" of the other person's world.
- They work for family, friendship and work relationships, in pairs or in groups.
- A safe framework is essential: no pressure, privacy, and the right to stop at any time.
- Print, cut and draw the cards face down, letting intuition guide the order.
What the 36 Questions Are Meant to Do
Some of the prompts ask each person to talk about the other, saying what they appreciate in them or what the two seem to share. In a couple, these questions can reinforce the romantic bond because they help build what researcher John Gottman calls a "love map": an intimate knowledge of the other person's world.
A detailed love map means remembering the milestones of the other's life, knowing their preferences and tastes, and respecting them as far as possible. It also means using that intimate knowledge to offer signs of love, such as a favourite dish, a small gift, a surprise, or support on difficult anniversaries. Just as you learn to read a child's cues when you children understand the world, you learn to read your partner's. Research on parent child bonds shows how early attachment shapes this kind of attunement.
From Knowledge to Tenderness
Having a detailed love map of another person means becoming able to truly hear and understand them. Asking these questions with the cards therefore cultivates tenderness and mutual self-esteem, much like the care involved when you keep a child warm without a coat.
Using the Cards Beyond the Couple
These cards can also be used in any kind of relationship to strengthen ties: family, friendship, work, and not only in pairs but also in groups. A family evening, a long car trip or a quiet moment after New Year's Eve family dinner can all become an occasion to pull out a card or two.
The questions are also known for being the kind that lead people to fall in love. That makes them powerful, which is exactly why they need a safe setting. You never force someone to answer, you do not impose the game, and the answers given during the moment stay private and should not be revealed outside it.
Anyone has the right to withdraw from the game at any time. This matters especially with children or teenagers, who may need to see that a parent respects a "pass" before they feel safe enough to open up, much as a gentle approach helps a baby help baby pass gas feel calm and settled. The same patience applies when a child is away from parents and needs reassurance, or when an eight year old needs room to explore at their own pace.
| Rule | What it looks like in practice | Why it matters |
|---|---|---|
| No pressure | Nobody is forced or signed up without agreeing | Guarded answers defeat the purpose |
| Privacy | Answers stay within the moment | People risk more when they feel protected |
| Freedom to stop | Anyone can pass or leave at any time | Keeps the exercise safe and respectful |
| No scoring | There is no winner and no ranking | The conversation is the whole point |
| Adapt to age | Shorter, simpler answers for children | Keeps younger players comfortable |
How to Set Up the Game
The cards can be printed, cut out and placed face down in the centre of the table. One after another, players draw a card at random, letting themselves be guided by intuition, and answer the question until the questions run out.
There is no scoring and no winner. The point is the conversation itself, and it works best when nobody feels rushed. If you are preparing an evening with several activities, treat the cards as the calm centrepiece rather than one more game to get through, the way you would overcome fear of dark gently rather than all at once.
Small Practical Adjustments
You can let each person choose whether to answer alone or ask for a moment to think. Younger participants may prefer to answer with a single sentence, and that counts. If the group is large, splitting into pairs keeps the answers honest and the pace comfortable.
Why the Safe Framework Comes First
Vulnerability only appears when people feel protected. That is why the rules matter more than the questions themselves: no pressure, no obligation, privacy, and the freedom to stop. A person who feels pushed will give a guarded answer, and the exercise loses its purpose.
This is also true outside the couple. In a family, a teenager may test whether a parent can listen without judging, and the way you handle a single card can shape whether they trust the next one. The same patience you would use to lower a fever only when needed applies here: intervene gently, and only when it helps.
When the framework is respected, the exercise tends to leave people feeling closer and more understood than before they started.
Who These Cards Are For
These cards suit couples who want to deepen a long-standing bond, new partners who want to move past small talk, and families looking for a screen-free way to reconnect. They also work well among friends who have known each other for years and assume there is nothing left to discover.
With children, adapt the questions to their age and keep the tone light. A shared activity such as outdoor toys a garden afternoon can create the relaxed mood that makes conversation easier afterwards. The cards are simply a doorway; the relationship does the rest.
My hands-on take
I first tried these cards on a rainy afternoon with my partner, expecting it to feel a bit awkward. It did, for about three questions. Then he mentioned a childhood memory I had never heard, and the rest of the stack went much faster than I expected.
What surprised me most was how much I already knew and how much I had simply never said out loud. Since then I keep a small stack in a drawer and pull one out now and then, sometimes with my sister on the phone, sometimes with my eldest at bedtime. My advice: start with two cards, not the whole deck, and let the conversation run past the question if it wants to.
Frequently asked questions
Do we have to answer every question?
No. Anyone can pass on a card or leave the game at any moment, and that right should be stated clearly before you begin.
Can we use the cards with children?
Yes, with adjustments. Keep the tone light, accept short answers, and let a child pass without comment if a question feels too personal.
What if someone shares something emotional?
Listen without judging and do not push for more detail. The answers stay private and should not be brought up again outside the moment.
Do the cards work in a group?
They do. Splitting a larger group into pairs usually keeps answers honest and the pace comfortable.
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