Should I hold the child when he cries? 2026

There is a much-discussed topic that early care mothers ask me a lot about and that is: should I hold my little one whenever he cries? It is necessary to know well what we are talking about, the age we are referring to and, above all, what situation we are facing.

There are studies that show that physiological changes occur when a mother holds a baby. It is a defense mechanism and the baby calms down when the mother holds him in her arms and even more so if she walks instead of sitting.

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For this reason, research reaches the conclusion that when a baby cries, the mother should go and pick him up. As a professional I do not disagree, in fact, it seems healthy and normal to me that the bond with the mother is maintained, it is a physiological response and therefore, we must provide the child with the possibility of calming down. Furthermore, for the mother and father, caring for the little one, holding him and caressing him are unique experiences.

The real controversy can come at an older age. There is a point at which crying does not occur out of a need to calm down and is used as a “bargaining currency” for attention. It is at that moment, we must consider that when we hug we are reinforcing this behavior and therefore satisfying the call for attention.

To understand this concept I am going to explain learning to you. We learn through experience and through reinforcement. If every time I put my hand in a bucket I receive a candy, I will learn that after putting my hand in the bucket I have a candy, I associate it and always after seeing the bucket, I will see a candy. If after crying or screaming my mother picks me up in her arms, I will learn, therefore, that if I cry, mom will take care of me. It is at that moment in which holding in arms is not about a baby's need for calm but is learned as a call for attention or a claim.

Along these lines, I find it interesting to comment on a factor common to many cases that I see at the center: they come for early attention. When they don't want something, the little ones' resort is to scream and cry. When they want something, the little one's resource is to cry and scream.  That is, whenever they want mom to solve what is happening to them, they cry and scream. It is at that moment when we must teach the little ones to communicate in a functional way, teach them to say what they don't like, ask for another alternative, ask for more or always ask for help in a functional and autonomous way, since communication will be the key that opens the doors in each of the areas they will have to face.

Returning therefore to the beginning of picking up babies, the answer is clear. It is a physiological response of the baby, it listens to the mother's heartbeat, her temperature and the baby translates it as security and therefore calms down. When a baby cries, we must attend to his need and holding him is not counterproductive.

When the child grows and we observe in what context and for what purpose the crying comes, we must try to model our little one's response, since it is very important that they know how to communicate their need without resorting to crying or screaming. Of course, for moms and dads it is essential to understand that a hug translates as protection. If, when faced with a wake-up call or a moment of blockage, we hug, we are reinforcing this state.  Of course, when babies grow up we should not stop holding them, hugging them, caressing them and calming them through contact. Always in a healthy relationship you should hold the little ones and enjoy them, it is about not teaching the baby the relationship between crying-difficulty with hugs and protection, but rather crying-difficulty with help in solving the problem and model for the needs.

Estela María Fernández Pérez is director of the Idai Team, if you have any questions you can write to her at alogopediaestelafernandez@gmail.com