Maybe not long ago our daughter or son told us in great detail about their adventures and misadventures: that their friend Lola has become a fool since she goes out with that hunky boy from 1st A (by the way, she used to really like him); What if the other day he got into trouble with his group of friends ("Don't be upset, it was just a class, I'll tell you about it!")...
And suddenly (or so it seems to us), our teenager becomes very jealous of his privacy and defends tooth and nail his own space (physical and personal) in which he does not want... intruders.
From the age of 11 or 12, girls and boys begin to experience a series of very profound changes, both physical and psychological. His body evolves by leaps and bounds, and his personality tries to catch up. And this also implies new things, and many, many hesitations.
We will understand it better if we take into account an important detail: they are giving up their childish role to gradually acquire more adult attitudes. And this change does not occur without certain fears arising: ours (it is inevitable) and theirs.
They feel older and want to be treated as such. The figure of the parents they had when they were younger no longer serves them, so they will approach them from a more adult position.
Why do they start to distance themselves?
This situation can cause family tensions if we don't try to put ourselves in their place (or don't we go through it?), although we are a little scared that they are getting older too soon.
But they're not kids anymore! It is logical that they demand greater privacy. They need more space to feel alone with themselves. If we add to this the fact that they are at the age of creativity (they surely paint, draw, write or take photos), it is logical that they need to isolate themselves from time to time and put their things in order without feeling observed.
We must respect their territory. Just as we demand that our son not touch our things, we should not rummage through his pockets, gossip in his diary or open his emails or WhatsApp messages that arrive on his cell phone. If you have to knock on the door to enter our room, let us at least do the same in yours.
And when he comes home and without saying anything he locks himself in his room? As long as it is not done continuously or without any explainable reason, it should not be given much importance; We all have silly days. But if you need to feel isolated systematically and in an exaggerated way, you may have adjustment problems or any other type. Let's not hesitate to go to a psychologist if we are not able to discover what is worrying you.
It is important that we make him see that we love him, no matter what happens, even if we scold him for a certain behavior or we do not agree with his ideas. A compliment when he does something well never hurts; and explain why we got angry, either.
What can we parents do?
- Dialogue between parents and children is always important, and even more so at this age. We have to talk to him, negotiate the rules and resort to punishment only when we have exhausted all resources. This way you will feel accepted and loved.
- For it to be fruitful, you must talk to him from an attitude of understanding and listening, and encourage a relaxed environment in which he can express his feelings. Taking his opinion into account and allowing him to express all types of emotions, whether positive or negative, is another key point. May he release his anger and fears, but may also show his tenderness and joy.
- When he brings friends home, don't bother him by surprising him to see what they're doing in his room. It is better to explain to him what is allowed and what is not and give him a vote of confidence.
- If you share a room with your brother, each one must have a private space and both must respect it.
- Is your cell phone bill long? Let's negotiate with it. If you exceed it, you should know that we will deduct it from your pay.
Advisor: Eva Romero, clinical psychologist.
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