Toxic or Victim? Rethinking Psychological Violence Today 2026

Toxic or victim? These two words are thrown around constantly, yet they are rarely defined with any precision. A single harsh remark, a bad argument or a difficult colleague does not automatically make someone toxic, and understanding the difference matters for our own peace of mind.

This article walks through the key ideas behind relational toxicity: what separates nuisance from psychological violence, why repetition is the real engine of harm, and how our own cognitive biases can quietly turn us into the very thing we criticise.

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The aim is not to label people but to sharpen our judgment, so we can protect ourselves and our families without falling into oversimplified categories.

Quick takeaways

• Toxicity is nuisance; psychological violence aims at control and is its extreme form.
• Repetition over time, not a single act, defines psychological violence and harassment.
• Conflict can be resolved fairly; harassment is deliberate, repeated and destructive.
• Anyone can be a victim or a perpetrator of influence, at any age.
• Forced gratitude and resilience can harm rather than help.
• Cognitive biases make us all capable of toxic behaviour; awareness is the remedy.

Toxic, Harassment, Narcissist: Getting the Words Right

Before we can protect ourselves, we need a shared vocabulary. Toxicity means nuisance: behaviour that wears you down. Psychological violence goes further, because it aims at controlling another person's will and actions, leading to a form of servitude where thinking and behaviour become alienated. It is the ultimate degree of relational toxicity.

Two more terms deserve care. A so-called narcissistic pervert is not entirely devoid of empathy, contrary to popular belief. And psychological violence is not one lie or one act of blackmail: it is the recurrence of hostile behaviour over a long period that destroys a victim's faculties.

Harassment differs from conflict in the same way. A conflict is a disagreement that can be settled fairly and may even improve a relationship. Harassment is repeated, deliberate and harmful, leaving people flattened, threatened, isolated and sometimes watched. Words shape how we see the world, much as clothing labels help us keep track of what belongs to whom.

The Word "Victim" and the Fear Around It

Becoming a victim is rarely a single event. It is a slow process, and one of the hardest parts is the difficulty of simply feeling well again afterwards. The label itself frightens people, because it seems to strip away agency.

Yet acknowledging vulnerability is not weakness. Nobody is immune to influence, whether as the person who suffers it or the person who exerts it. We can all be prey at any age, and we can all put someone under our influence without meaning to, especially when we meet a person who unconsciously seeks both protection and control and hands us a power that exceeds us.

We can also slide from victim to perpetrator when we take refuge in that status, using our pain to accuse, to silence others or to impose a rescue nobody asked for. Recognising these risks is the first step towards managing them, a bit like learning back contractures before they become chronic.

An Infantilising Society, or a Need to Be Infantilised?

Modern culture often treats adults as children, offering ready-made opinions and simple answers. The question is whether this comes only from outside, or whether we also actively seek it, because being told what to think is comfortable.

This is where critical thinking becomes essential. We generally prefer to reason with what we want to see as fair and true rather than confront ideas that threaten our identity. We all seek reassurance before we seek to learn, and that tendency leaves us exposed.

The author also warns about social media, the law of attraction, New Age thinking and the ideology of personal development. She uses the phrase "voluntary servitude" for the way we can accept ideas while abandoning our own emotions, needs and limits. Sect-like drifts show how people who proclaim themselves benevolent can, in reality, be toxic. Building a new activity or learning a skill is a healthier route to reassurance than following a guru.

Forced Gratitude and the Tyranny of Positivity

Forcing yourself into gratitude, demanding that you be benevolent, obliging yourself to be resilient: this is twisting yourself, hurting yourself, failing to respect yourself deeply. It is constraint without any felt benefit, and it may convince you that you belong and feel less alone, but without real gain or genuine learning.

It amounts to believing a half-truth, sometimes an illusion that will make the next difficulty hit even harder. As the author puts it, it takes very little self-regard to impose so much suffering on yourself.

Kindness and resilience are worthwhile when they arise naturally, not when they are ordered from within like a chore. Parents feel this pressure acutely, and it sits alongside other quiet burdens such as night breastfeeding or the endless logistics of toy organization at home.

Cognitive Bias and the Toxicity in All of Us

Human thinking runs on shortcuts. Confirmation bias and detection bias mean we readily accept arguments that flatter us and reject those that disturb us, not because they are false or insufficient, but because they threaten our ego and risk disillusionment.

Being challenged feels unbearable, and rather than face it we flee. Yet this refusal of questioning is exactly what we reproach in the tyrannical, narcissistic or violent person in our private life. The need to control, to never be caught out, to master our environment, is the same impulse.

So we can all be toxic at some point in our lives. The point is not guilt but awareness: once we admit we are subject to these mechanisms, we can begin to work on balance and meaning. Even small habits, like choosing reward toys thoughtfully or planning a time capsule as a family, can help us stay reflective rather than reactive.

Finding Balance and Meaning Again

The final movement of the book is about equilibrium. Understanding mechanisms does not mean cutting people off as a reflex, because severing ties offers no immunity when toxicity is poorly defined and therefore poorly understood. Someone with hostile behaviour is not automatically toxic.

Real balance comes from naming things accurately, listening to our own emotions and limits, and accepting that we are neither purely good nor purely bad. The gentle and the cruel are not two separate species; they are tendencies inside each of us.

That perspective is useful well beyond relationships. It applies to how we speak to our children, how we handle a fever without panicking, and how we prepare for big transitions like cesarean recovery or custom LEGO printing projects that demand patience and clear instructions.

My hands-on take

I have caught myself doing exactly what this book describes. In an argument, I noticed I was not really listening; I was scanning for the sentence I could use to win. When my partner pointed it out, my first instinct was to defend myself rather than consider whether they were right.

Since then, I try a small exercise: before replying to a criticism, I ask myself whether it stings because it is unfair or because it is true. It sounds simple, and it is not. But it has made me calmer with my children too, and far less quick to label other people as simply toxic.

Frequently asked questions

Is a narcissistic person completely incapable of empathy?

No. The book stresses that the popular image is misleading. A so-called narcissistic pervert is not devoid of empathy, which is part of why the behaviour can be so confusing to those around them.

Does one lie count as psychological violence?

Not on its own. It is the recurrence of hostile acts over a long period that defines psychological violence, because repetition is what gradually erodes a victim's faculties.

Can I become toxic without realising it?

Yes. Cognitive biases mean we all reject ideas that disturb us and cling to what reassures us. Admitting this tendency is the first step towards changing it.

Should I cut ties with anyone who behaves badly?

Not automatically. Someone with hostile behaviour is not necessarily toxic, and cutting ties without understanding the mechanisms offers no real protection.