How can we make grandparents follow the same parenting rules? 2026

There is no doubt that grandparents can play a wonderful and extremely special role within the family. And, in a sense, part of that role says that, in most cases, they tend to have a little more freedom with the grandchildren. For example, you can take them out for ice cream or have some candy stored at home as a surprise, or simply let them stay up a little later than usual.

Ideally, grandparents make life much easier for parents. They are there when you need them, especially in those moments when mom or dad has to go to work and there is no school (during summer vacation, for example), or even when they go out to eat together or have dinner...

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But problems can arise when grandparents meddle, interfere, or undermine what parents say. And when, in particular, grandparents tend not to follow the same parenting rules as their children. What can we do in these cases, and what are the problems that usually occur? It is vitally important to create a healthy relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, especially when their actions - or their way of raising them - could end up negatively affecting our children.

We could say that it is practically inevitable that we will have differences with grandparents when approaching parenthood and the actual upbringing of our children. As many experts believe, it is something that almost becomes a true rite of passage. When we become parents, it's normal for us to start figuring out what works for us. And, in many cases, it is quite likely that we will have to analyze the difference of opinions with the possible existence of a “real” threat of harm to our children, and then decide exactly what we can do about it.

Although this can be enormously positive, the reality is that, today, we have a lot more information, compared to what our parents had just a few decades ago, when we were little. And we could give a simple and simple example: in the past it was thought that spanking was beneficial because it “educated children.” However, there is currently a lot of research that has shown that this is not only not true, but that it can become a tremendously dangerous form of parenting for the psychological and emotional development of the child.

And this becomes a fairly clear example of how there are certain parenting practices that justify adopting a firm stance, in the service of fulfilling our duty when it comes to protecting and caring for our children.

However, it is also common that there may be areas of differentiation that tend to be more subtle. And that, in the end, they do not represent any type of direct threat to the well-being of our children. It is right here where we must weigh the risks that we can see from the differences in parenting styles, and life philosophies, with the benefits of the grandparent-child relationship.

And studies have shown that close relationships between grandparents and grandchildren have healthy benefits for everyone involved. But along with the benefits there are also a number of challenges directly related to raising children around grandparents.

It is extremely common for grandparents to “spoil” their grandchildren with sweets and treats (in short, with unhealthy foods that we may not give them at home), ignore what time they should actually go to bed, or even encourage children to lie to them about what they would be allowed to do.

What to do when grandparents do not respect our parenting rules

Talk to them about how we feel

Although it may be difficult to imagine that the grandfather or grandmother is not capable of realizing that they have crossed a limit, it is advisable to give them the benefit of the doubt, since raising children today is different than it was 30 or 40 years ago. What's more, every family is different.

Therefore, the solution begins with making them understand that their decisions have real consequences for both themselves and their own family. For example, if you give the children everything they ask for, then it will be the parents who end up dealing with the tantrums, while the grandparents return home, calm and organized.

Additionally, it is common for relationships to work better when both parties feel heard and respected. And, to achieve this, it is vitally important to clearly communicate the rules, and explain why they are necessary and important for us as parents.

Put yourself in your own shoes

Grandparents often feel that they also have their own work to do. And although some grandparents may be stricter with their grandchildren than they were with their children, it is more common that grandparents tend to spoil their grandchildren. Although it is essential to talk about everything that may bother us, we must also try to be understanding. And, when we can, just let it go.

Set limits

Although it is always appropriate to be understanding, it is also fair and necessary to establish a series of basic limits. Thus, once we have recognized the feelings of the grandparents, and we have explained our rules, the fundamental objective is to try to negotiate a point that pleases both parties.

For most families, breaking boundaries only happens sometimes. But when it happens, and is not addressed, it can become an issue that causes conflict. And it can be even worse when, for example, grandparents provide routine care, or even when they live with grandchildren in the same house. In these cases, the likelihood of boundary problems arising increases considerably.

As many experts believe, healthy boundaries become an important and essential part of any relationship. And when used effectively, they help set expectations related to the relationship, encouraging the people involved in it to treat each other with the utmost care and respect.

And they are fundamental in the relationships between parents and grandparents because they establish expectations and roles, and also provide a structure that prevents children from getting caught in the middle, or getting confused.

For example, parents may feel that their own authority is being undermined (while children may feel like they are being attacked), so overstepping boundaries can also make parents feel judged. However, when boundaries are established – and respected – parents feel secure in their role of raising their children, and grandparents can enjoy their role without the responsibility that comes with raising children.

Useful tips that will help you

• Act. The moment we notice that a negative pattern is emerging, or that the grandparents have done something that we do not fully agree on, it is essential to treat and address it quickly.
• Choose the time. Choose a time when everyone is calm so you can discuss conflicts calmly. In those moments we must always remember that grandparents care about our best interests, and also those of the grandchildren. In these cases, it is essential to put the child's needs first, not our own.
• Adapt.As we have already explained to you at some point, advice on raising children -often- changes from one generation to the next. For this reason, it is quite possible that there are some ideas that the grandfather or grandmother subscribes to, most likely those that we were raised with at the time, but that are now, however, obsolete.

The importance of working together

Helpful grandparents are as wonderful as they are charming. And, furthermore, it is normal that most parents are delighted to have them in their lives, because they are always there when they are needed most. Whether, for example, to help when the baby is born and arrives for the first time, or to take care of them even when the parents want to go out for a few hours. In these cases, it is very important to have a reliable and loving support system.

And it is vitally important to avoid doing things that could upset parents. For example, it could be as simple as letting the grandchildren watch too much television, or play on the tablet all day.

But this is a joint work of parents and grandparents. In the case of grandparents, even if they do not fully agree with the parenting rules and guidelines established by the parents, it is essential to always respect them. And we must remember something even more important: grandparents are grandparents, not parents, so they should not usurp their authority, much less do what they want.

Thus, if grandparents want to spend more time with their grandchildren, they should still make sure they do things the way their parents want them done.