5 keys to forming a happy family after a divorce 2026

After getting divorced, many people fall in love again and decide to commit to a new relationship. The situation is complicated when one or both partners have children from the previous relationship.

Being clear that we are facing a different family model from the traditional one and that therefore it will require some changes and tasks from us will be essential for the well-being and happiness of this new family.

Amazon Essentials by Sofia Grainge - Summer 2026 Promotion

1. We come from a duel

When we are as a couple we build a space together, we discover aspects of our own identity and we create a common life project. We grow with each other and although we have our individuality, we feel and think as a couple. Much of our image and who we are is in relation to the union we form.

When the relationship breaks down we have to redefine all these aspects. How then can I separate who I am if much of what defines me is linked to a common history? That's why the grieving process for separation is so complicated.

There are many people who, even if they divorce, remain hooked on their ex-partner. They have not been able to overcome this loss and are in what we call frozen grief. They are invaded by anger, pain and a feeling of injustice that makes it impossible to advance in the elaboration of this process. This situation is disastrous for starting a new family project, since even though we are physically separated and want to leave the relationship behind, we maintain such a strong emotional bond with each other that it is continually present in our daily lives.

In order to close this relationship, it is important to have constructed an explanation that gives meaning to this loss. The work of grieving is painful and awakens a lot of sadness and emotions in us that can lead us to other past stages of suffering, but we should not translate it into aggression or anger towards the ex-partner.

Each life crisis may involve pain, uncertainty and fear, but it is also an opportunity to find ourselves, start new projects and emerge stronger from this experience.

2. Ex-partner but not ex-father or ex-mother

It is important that we differentiate between parental roles and couple roles when we have children together. Even though we have separated, we are still fathers and mothers. Children and adolescents need to maintain contact with both parents for healthy development, since they are creating their own identity; and parents, especially when they are younger, are their references.

Some keep their children away from their other parent with the idea that in this absence they will get along better with their new partner, but the only thing this can produce is an idealization of the figure of the father/mother who is not present. That is why we must make an effort and put aside the rivalries that have to do with the previous relationship to focus on our obligation as parents to accompany and support our children.

One way to make them feel protected is by setting limits. They are a form of care and show of love on the part of parents. Although they may react with anger and violence, they feel calm because they know that there is someone else who will stop their impulses. Many times, in this type of family, limits are avoided because parents feel guilty or want to avoid arguments, producing greater disorder and lack of control in the home. For this reason, we must be flexible, but also clear and consistent in the rules and guidelines that we set for them.

It is also important to take into account that the rules established are consistent in both homes. It is difficult for them to coincide exactly, since more people come into play (partners of each other, children of both relationships, grandparents, uncles, etc.) and it can even be enriching for children if there is a certain disparity, but when the differences are excessive they stop providing security and containment. They will have to please everyone, trying to adapt to confusing environments, forgetting about their own desires and themselves.

3. Put yourself in your children's shoes

Many times children and adolescents express their emotions (anger, disappointment, sadness) through behavioral manifestations: we see them more aggressive, from school they tell us that they do not pay attention or their grades get worse, they appear absent, rebellious, even violent. Therefore, it is very important that as parents we do not stop at these types of manifestations and help them express what they feel with words and not actions. They are going through a difficult time and we must give them time to accept the new situation.

At first, they live with the fantasy that their parents are going to reconcile. They are the two people they love the most and provide them with security, so when they separate, their world shakes. They see their father or mother's partner as an intruder, who has come to take away their place and affection. For this reason, it is common for them to try to boycott the relationship, since they are afraid of being abandoned as well. It is important to explain to them that the love you have for them is unconditional, no matter how much you have a new partner.

They may also feel guilty if they get along with the parent's new partner since they would betray the absent parent. Little by little they will realize that they can love both without anyone getting hurt.

4. Stepmother and stepfather, complicated role

From popular culture, the figure of the stepmother has been transmitted to us as the evil one in the story, who occupied the mother's place and nullified the father, often mistreating the children.

But the reality is very different. She usually finds herself in “no man's land”, since she must win the affection of her partner's children when they see her as the culprit of their parents' separation and on the other hand, her partner, often letting herself be carried away by guilt, feels that she must defend and protect her children at all costs, even if it is by disavowing her.

For this reason, communication between the members of the couple is essential, since it is necessary to establish what changes will be made in the home rules and what is expected of each of them, also defining the role of the new couple with the children. With respect to children, it is advisable to approach them little by little, without invading them. Let them see that they are not going to take the place of the father or mother. We will have to take an intermediate position, neither from “collegiality” but nor from extreme authoritarianism.

It is advisable to look for spaces to share together, that match your tastes and enjoy that time to gradually create a bond of trust.

5. The couple forms a team

Many times our focus is so focused on the children and their adaptation to changes, that we forget to strengthen the new relationship. But let's remember that if there are fissures with our partner, it will not be very difficult to support the family. We have to stay strong as a couple and support each other to be able to overcome the difficulties we have with the other members.

Once the bond as a couple is strengthened, we must give way to the creation of a family identity, to weave an emotional network that unites us all and makes us feel part of it. How do we do it? Sharing moments together, through specific rituals that define or differentiate us as a family, taking advantage of vacations or weekends to do something special, etc.

extra help

Through stories we can get closer to our children and explain to them in a simpler way what is happening at home, since from a very young age they can perceive the emotional climate that exists between parents and if we do not speak to them in a clear way but in a language adapted to them, they can feel guilty, anxious, afraid..., etc.

Cristina Zárate Kindelan is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and member of the Pozuelo Psychologists family.

10 tips for practicing 'slow parenting'