Praise and attention are not the same thing, and the difference matters more than most parents realize. When we tell a child over and over that they are intelligent or that their drawing is beautiful, we may feel we are building them up, but the effect can be the opposite.
Psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz, a professor at University College London, warns in his book The Examined Life against an overdose of compliments. He argues that repeating "you're so smart" does not necessarily help a child improve and may even inhibit performance.
Quick takeaways
- Praise for intelligence can raise anxiety about failure and reduce persistence.
- Praise for effort and process encourages children to keep trying after mistakes.
- Children praised only for being smart may inflate results to protect their label.
- Descriptive comments ("there's a lot of blue") invite conversation instead of ending it.
- Reserve compliments for genuinely hard moments like sharing or waiting.
- Saying "thank you" for patience shows children their effort is noticed.
The 1998 study that changed how we praise
Grosz points to a 1998 study by psychologists Carol Dweck and Claudia Mueller. They asked 128 children to solve simple math problems, then split them into two groups. The first group was praised for intelligence ("You did well, you're so smart"); the second was praised for effort and process ("You did well, you must have thought hard and tried several times").
Then the children were given harder problems. Those praised for their work proved more persistent and willing, restarting without hesitation after a mistake or a bad start. Children praised for intelligence became more anxious about failure, simply repeated the procedures that had worked before, and their tenacity was sorely tested.
Why "smart" praise backfires
Grosz concluded that the excitement and pride of being considered intelligent eventually turn into diffuse anxiety, weakening self-esteem, motivation and performance. The same pattern shows up at home during household chores and daily routines. It also echoes the parenting behaviors that can quietly undermine a child's confidence.
The lie that a single compliment produced
Dweck and Mueller pushed the experiment further. They asked the children to write to children at another school and describe their experience. The children in the first group lied and inflated their test scores.
In the end, a single clumsily worded compliment was enough to make them so unsure of themselves that they lied to match their "intelligent child" status. This is why the words we choose when a child shows us a creation deserve real thought, whether it is a drawing or a superhero toy setup. The same care applies to everyday items like a good children's comb.
Grosz adds that praise focused only on intellectual ability can even be experienced as a form of indifference. Attention to effort and process, by contrast, feels like genuine encouragement, much like knowing Insider Points worth before you spend them.
| Situation | Praise-focused response | Attention-based response |
|---|---|---|
| Child finishes a drawing | "It's beautiful!" | "There's a lot of blue here." |
| Child solves a puzzle | "You're so clever." | "You tried several ways before it worked." |
| Child shares a toy | "Good boy!" | "Thank you for sharing, that was hard." |
| Child waits patiently | Silence or "finally!" | "Thank you for waiting." |
| Child makes a mistake | "Never mind, you're smart anyway." | "What would you try next time?" |
What to say instead of "you're so smart"
Grosz draws on the methods of Charlotte Stiglitz, a retired teacher and mother of Nobel economics laureate Joseph Stiglitz, to propose alternatives. She compliments a child only when they do something genuinely difficult, like sharing a toy or being patient.
She also thinks it matters to say "thank you" to children. When she asks a child to wait for something or for help, she thanks them for their patience. But she does not compliment a child who is playing.
Instead, she focuses on what the child does and, above all, how they did it. She asks questions, smiles, and comments on a choice of colours or materials, or on how the child found a solution. The same principle applies when siblings negotiate over a budget toy or a shared game.
The blue pond: a small scene that says it all
Grosz describes a scene in which Charlotte Stiglitz interacts with a four-year-old. When the child finished drawing, he stopped and looked at her, probably waiting for positive comment on his picture. She simply smiled and said: "There's a lot of blue in your drawing."
The child replied: "That's the pond near my grandmother's house, there's a bridge too." He then picked up a brown pencil and started drawing it, saying "I'll show you." Observation alone opened a door that praise would have closed.
The simple act of observing, listening and being present helps build confidence, because the child understands that they have value. The same holds when a child proudly presents a LEGO build or a finished puzzle.
Feeling that you count is what matters
What counts is the feeling of mattering to someone, of being important in another person's mind. This is true for children and adults alike, and it is the quiet foundation of a healthy relationship with achievement.
Descriptive attention also gives you something concrete to talk about, which keeps conversation going instead of ending it with a verdict. You can notice the effort behind a learning toy challenge, the patience shown while waiting, or the care taken over a drawing.
Over time, this habit shapes how children approach difficulty: they learn that effort is visible and valued, not just the result. It also makes space for honest reflection, which is far more useful than a label.
Putting it into practice day to day
Start by swapping verdicts for descriptions. Instead of "you're brilliant", try naming what you see: the colours chosen, the number of attempts, the moment the child paused to think. Keep it short and specific.
Reserve compliments for genuinely difficult moments, such as sharing, waiting or persevering, and use "thank you" liberally. When a child seeks approval, a smile and a question often do more than a compliment, whether the topic is a drawing or a toy for toddlers they have just mastered.
Finally, be patient with yourself. Changing how you speak takes practice, and a clumsy compliment now and then is not a disaster. What matters is the steady pattern of attention you build over months and years.
My hands-on take
I tried this at home after reading about the study, and the first thing I noticed was how often "well done" was already on my lips before I had even looked properly. So I started pausing. Instead of the automatic compliment, I began naming something specific: the tower that stayed standing, the careful line of stickers, the fact that my child had redone the same corner three times.
The change in response was small but real. Instead of nodding and moving on, my child started explaining, correcting me, adding more. The conversation lasted longer, and I learned things about the drawing I would never have guessed. I still slip back into old habits, especially when I am tired, but the pause is worth practising. It costs nothing and it turns a quick verdict into a moment of actual connection.
Frequently asked questions
Does this mean I should never compliment my child?
No. The point is to compliment selectively and specifically, focusing on effort, process and genuinely difficult behaviour rather than fixed labels about intelligence.
Why is praising intelligence risky?
It can make children anxious about failure, because a mistake then feels like a threat to their identity as "the smart one". Some may even inflate results to protect that image.
What can I say when my child shows me a drawing?
Describe what you see, ask a question, or comment on a colour or detail. This invites the child to explain and continue, rather than closing the exchange with a verdict.
Does this apply to adults too?
Yes. Feeling that you matter to someone and that your effort is noticed is important at every age, not just in childhood.
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