Building self-esteem in children: parents as role models 2026

Building self-esteem in children starts with something surprisingly simple: taking children seriously. As parents, we serve as models for how our children will one day treat themselves, and the everyday way we respond to their emotions and needs shapes that inner voice.

This article draws on the thinking of Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, who describes self-esteem as having two dimensions and shows how small, respectful gestures build a solid sense of self. You do not need special tools or techniques, just attention and a natural tone.

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Quick takeaways

• Self-esteem has a quantitative side (knowing yourself) and a qualitative side (valuing yourself).
• Parents are the model for how children will treat themselves.
• Take children's emotions and needs seriously rather than overriding them.
• Let children manage basic needs like appetite and sleep; these cannot be educated.
• Name sensations kindly so children learn words for their feelings.
• Tell children plainly, in a serious and natural tone, how much they enrich your life.

The two dimensions of children's self-esteem

According to Jesper Juul, self-esteem has two dimensions. The first is quantitative: it grows out of how well we know ourselves, including our emotions, tastes, sensations and needs. The second is qualitative: it concerns what we think and feel about ourselves, such as whether our tastes have value in the eyes of others or whether we remain likeable when we fail.

A healthy self-esteem rests on both a good knowledge of oneself and the value we place on our personal attributes. This balance supports self-management, and parents act as models in exactly this area. The way we behave toward our children determines how they will one day behave toward themselves.

Why taking children seriously comes first

If we take seriously what is going on inside them, they will be able to do the same for themselves later. That single idea, explored in parenting values, is the foundation of everything that follows. The same care extends to everyday choices, such as choosing children's sunglasses, and even to understanding paths like becoming a master builder.

Taking children's emotions and needs seriously

Juul believes the best way to build healthy, solid self-esteem is to take children's emotions and needs seriously and to let them carry responsibility for their basic needs, such as sleep, appetite and feeling warm or cold. This respect for their inner life is central, and it connects closely with how we greeting children with warmth and care, and with knowing how to accompany someone through loss.

He gives the example of fullness. Many adults assume they know better than children when and how much they should eat, and this belief leads to manipulation such as playing airplane with a spoon. Juul invites us instead to hand children responsibility for eating, because it is strange to think that hungry people would refuse food; the real issue is timing, since children's hunger does not always match adult mealtimes.

Teaching children the words for their sensations

When a child presses their lips together or pushes the spoon away with half the plate left, a kind tone is enough: "Ah, I see you are not hungry anymore." Through this simple attitude, the child learns a word for a bodily sensation. They learn that they are "not hungry" when this precise feeling appears in their body, and that the feeling is okay, normal and correct.

Appetite, like sleep, cannot be educated; it can only be respected. The same respectful approach helps when you supporting baby play and movement, letting the child set the pace rather than forcing it.

Respect does not mean permissiveness

Taking needs seriously is not about giving in to every demand. It is about acknowledging what the child feels, then holding the ordinary limits of family life with a calm, steady voice.

Making children feel precious and important

Parents often ask how to help their children develop healthy self-esteem. Juul's answer is that, in principle, it depends on one thing: making children feel that they play a constructive role in their parents' lives and have enriched them since birth. This sense of being valuable is what children carry into friendships and, later, into relationships of their own.

For parents of teenagers, Juul suggests a concrete exercise. As a child approaches fourteen, parents can take time to reflect on how much their child has enriched their life and in which areas. Once that reflection is done, it becomes possible to share these elements with the child, tissues and tears included.

Putting it into words, seriously and naturally

Parents often say they love their children, but defining precisely what a child represents to us is another matter. One way to do it is to explain it on each birthday, year after year. The key is to speak as seriously as you would to an adult, avoiding the traditional "baby talk" and finding a natural, personal tone.

Loving someone, whether a child or a partner, means making that person feel precious and important despite occasional disagreements or conflicts. This steady message of worth is the ground in which confidence and motivation can grow.

Model the behavior you hope to see

Children learn far more from how we treat ourselves than from what we tell them. Speaking kindly about your own mistakes, resting when you are tired and naming your emotions all show your child that a person can be imperfect and still worthy.

Everyday moments that build a solid sense of self

None of this requires perfect parenting or long lectures. It lives in small, repeated moments: naming a sensation, accepting a "no" at the table, or telling a child plainly why they matter to you. These gestures quietly teach self-knowledge and self-worth at the same time.

The same patience pays off in play and daily routines, whether you are organizing toy collections together or simply slowing down to listen. Over the years, this respectful attention becomes the inner voice your child will use to speak to themselves.

My hands-on take

I first tried the "I see you are not hungry anymore" line with my own child, half expecting it to backfire. Instead, mealtimes became calmer almost immediately, because I stopped negotiating and started listening. The surprise was how quickly my child picked up the words for other sensations too, telling me plainly when they were too warm or too tired.

What I find hardest is the tone. It is easy to slip into a sing-song voice or a rushed "uh-huh" when I am distracted. When I slow down and speak to my child the way I would to a friend, the difference is visible: they stand a little taller and answer more openly. I keep reminding myself that these small moments, repeated over years, are the real work of parenting.

Frequently asked questions

What are the two dimensions of self-esteem?

Jesper Juul describes a quantitative dimension, which comes from knowing yourself, your emotions, tastes and needs, and a qualitative dimension, which is what you think and feel about yourself. Healthy self-esteem rests on both.

Should parents force a child to finish their plate?

No. Juul argues that appetite, like sleep, cannot be educated. When a child signals they are full, a kind acknowledgment teaches them to recognize and trust their own body.

How can I show my child they are important to me?

Speak to them as seriously as you would to an adult and tell them, in a natural and personal tone, how they enrich your life. Birthdays offer a natural moment to put this into words.

Does taking children seriously mean letting them do whatever they want?

Not at all. It means acknowledging their emotions and needs while still holding ordinary family limits calmly and consistently.