Psychologist Manuel Salgado, director of the Cairys Center in Seville, explains that insecure men, somewhat dependent on their women, with poor communication in the relationship or a childhood experience of frustration, are more likely to develop these attitudes. Although the way the mother behaves and the fact that parenthood is not desired or planned also influence.
The first weeks are a time of adjustment for all family members. During this period it is common, and normal, for the father to feel out of place. But if the situation persists after the first month, you should start to think that you are not accepting the changes well. How to act then? We explain what the most frequent situations are, and we give you some advice to solve them.
I'm a clumsy
In many parents, the expertise and natural ability that mothers usually show in caring for the baby increases the feeling of being extra. This is even more evident when it is the mother who relegates her partner from these tasks, because she assumes that he will not be able to perform them adequately, which is frustrating, especially if the man has made an effort to learn, has read books, has attended childbirth preparation...
In these cases, it is more necessary than ever for the father to be involved in everything related to the care of the baby, leaving perfectionism aside. It is essential that he does not push himself too hard and, also, that she lets him do it... even if his handling of wipes leaves a lot to be desired or he always forgets to put a spare pacifier in the bag.
Leisure is over!
On weekends... to buy baby food. It is one of the most frequent complaints of new parents. Many do not take very well when the baby turns their schedules upside down, and this encourages the misconception that the mother is to some extent to blame for this situation. The sooner it is assumed that the family formula has changed, with all that it implies, the better. And the less we miss past times in which leisure was the protagonist of the weekend, too. We must try to make the obligations imposed by the baby compatible with rewarding activities. When you are together, look for places to have fun: you can go to a park and bring food or play sports with the child (front backpacks are very practical). Break the limitations and let your baby bring out the child in you.
Sex? What is that?
Although there are men for whom fatherhood makes them especially tender and considerate, others are not only eager to resume relationships as soon as possible but insistently ask their partner for it and, if they are not receptive (something common after giving birth), they feel rejected.
You have to give time and realize that she is going through a special stage. It is not good to force things, nor expect the woman to follow a rhythm that she is incapable of supporting at the moment. As the American writer James Douglas Barron says in the book She's Had a Baby and It's Going to Give Me Something!: "You can't complain to your wife about how she takes care of the baby all day and then expect a night of intense pleasure, or wake her up at dawn to make love. Your sexual life is now different, and you have to develop your own techniques to maintain the passion while the commotion reigns throughout the house."
He doesn't care about me
Some women, especially first-time women, are so immersed in their new role as mothers that they forget about their partner, even about themselves. “This can affect the perception that man has about the new place he now occupies,” explains Manuel Salgado. This attitude is also reflected in the type of conversations that the mother shares with her partner; Most of them revolve around the newborn: if he has taken the entire bottle, the color of his poops, the appointment with the pediatrician...
The best thing is to talk about it openly, without reproaches or unfortunate comments or unnecessary pressure. Empathy is essential. The father should not think that the mother is obsessed with the child's things and understand that everything is part of the intensity with which he is learning to play his new role. You have to make it easy for them and help them disconnect and regain their interest in other areas of life: propose a plan, ask their opinion on other things... that is, be proactive instead of complaining. And use a sense of humor whenever you can.
Tips for them
Tips for them
Advisor:Manuel Salgado, psychologist director of the Cairys Center, Seville
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